News Flash
A Compilation of News Stories. =2011= 8-25-11 FNN -- Mayo Clinic introduced to the world Ms. Mary Troust. Ms. Troust 24 is remarkable as she is the first person in the world to receive a cloned heart. The organ is not a cadaver transplant as has been the issue in the past, but a matrix grown organ made from Ms. Troust's own stem cells. "There is no danger of rejection" said Dr. Berriden of the Mayo Clinic. "In the future we will be able to produce any organ to order, any organ of the body, any bone, any muscle. We will repair ourselves with ourselves. No one need be disfigured, no one need be disabled. Today is a first. It will be followed by many more until a day like today is commonplace." 10-23-11 AP Wire: New York -- The price of Oil has dropped to 25 dollars a barrel in an unprecedented fall. ---- MessyNBC: Pasadena -- JPL Robotics Director Dr. Jackson Roykirk is pleased to announce the approval of the Nomad series of super-luminal probes to seek out life in near by star systems. The first of the Nomads should be ready within two years with the propulsion system and control module based on the successful WX-100 robotic test craft. ---- ABC News: Mobile Alabama -- The State of Alabama has filed for relief from the presence of three very large crude carriers I.E. supertankers that have been anchored off the coast of Mobile for 60 days. The Coast Guard has been requested to move the tankers as they pose a risk in the current hurricane season. ---- FNN: Long Beach -- The Warp Drive Project has announced that the manned WX-200 craft is ready for testing. Test Pilot Susan Anderson has been chosen as the pilot for the first fight. ---- CNN: Gagarin City -- United States Space Command has announced that the first Challenger Class Cruiser is ready for fight testing. The vessel to be named USS Francis R. Scobee will begin its contractor's shake down cruiser within the month. ---- CNN: Washington DC -- The FAA has announced emergency rules for flying cars. A new category of wingless aircraft using Anti-Gravity that will be classed Experimental has been set up. The FAA is requiring that all persons wishing to operate wingless anti-gravity craft (WAGC) be licensed to do so. All such craft must also pass an FAA inspection. ---- Wired: Schenectady, New York -- The General Electric Co has announced the "Solo System" Krellite cell for total household use. Combined with the standard electrical grid connection it assures an uninterrupted source of household current for the whole house in the event of any interruption in service for a week or more depending on instillation. The Solo System can also be combined with local power generation of wind, solar or other methods. Prices for the Solo System will run form 3000 to 20,000 dollars depending on duration, current delivered, and other options. ---- Washington Post: Washington DC -- Representative Blaine Luckemeyer (TR) MO 9 has called on Congress to remove all Aliens from the United States as being a risk to National Security. Luckemeyer has also introduced a bill to ban teleportation without a license and a flight plan. 12-10-11 FNN: The archives of the French Atomic Energy Commission have been dumped onto the public net. They can be found at the following URLs. Sources have indicated that these are genuine documents. They date from the 1950s to the current date. Warning the archive is shifting in location constantly, the urls given will take you there. The French government is desperately trying to find and seize the source files. ---- BBC International: Huan has declared itself a nation in fact and is willing to be recognized and recognize other nations. Huan has stated it is a total break with the Beijing Maoist government. Beijing of course is not pleased and is promising five kinds of hot reprisal to any nation that recognizes Huan. ---- CNN: NASA Tranquility Science Station has announced the early opening of the Von Bran family wing. ---- ABC News: The Tellerites are here! The Telleite trade mission continues its tour of the Earth. We are please to say that the Tellerites have been getting warm welcomes were ever they go. =2012= 4-23-12 BBC International: Bejing: (Triumphant martial music.) "The gallant forces of Emperor Chow Yung have taken the city and ousted the tired remnants of the criminal Maoist rebels. (Images of people destroying the huge portraits of the Communist leaders in Tinaman square.) The Dragon Throne is restored. Chow Yong is the Father of the Chinese people, and urges the provinces to unite peacefully under his benevolent rule." (Images of Chow Yung receiving the elders of the city. Maidens dance and twirl ribbons.) Independent press is reporting that the remaining leaders of the Maoist government were paraded in the square and beheaded publicly. Chow Yung has taken residence in the palaces of the Forbidden City. It has once again been closed to the public. (Images of Chow Yung show a powerfully built Oriental man. He is wearing Yellow robes of the late imperial style.) 6-18-12 MessyNBC: New York The United Nations today announced that The Republic of Taiwan is to be reseated in the General Assembly under its own name. The China Question remains a difficult issue. The move was objected to "in the strongest terms" by the Imerial government of Beijing. ---- BBC International: Venezuela installed the new elected government. They are holding all international agreements under review. Recovery from the recent civil war continues.. The new government has announced that it will no longer deal with the United States DEA. They are also dealing with the issue of dropping oil prices. ---- CNN: France is pushing the EU to recognize the Successor States as they have done. "Greater china is dead." said spokespersons for the French Government. It is time we come to grips with that reality." ---- FNN: Long Beach: The Warp Drive Project Mission to Barnard Star continues to find exciting new discoveries. Captain Edgar Eager and crew are the Heroes of the hour. 11-26-12 AP Wire: NASA Kennedy Space Center: ARCHEOLOGY ON MARS! -- A confirmed archeological site has been found at a currently undisclosed location. Ground penetrating radar is indicating a sizable settlement under the sands. Who or what built this location is not known, but speculation that is related to the "Iconian Bowl" cannot be ruled out. ---- FNN dateline Seoul: Pyongyang Vanishes! -- Pyongyang North Korea has vanished from the map. There has been no reported detonation from any source but the entire city is missing. Satellite images show an undisturbed circle of land where the heart of Pyongyang once was. The remainder of the city is untouched and looks undamaged. There has been no comment from North Korea. ---- AP Wire: dateline Moon Corps of Discovery Moving Out -- The Corps of Discovery has initiated mission to explore the immediate area of our stellar neighborhood. Public Relations Manager Anthony Allion has announced that three missions are ongoing to discover and get to know our Stellar neighbors. Results will be announced as they are made keeping with the policy if truth and openness started by the Warp Drive Project. "Succeed or fail the people of Earth are right there with us.¨ Said Mr Allion, ---- LA Times dateline LA.Greyhawken Violence -- Prudence Libra former producer for the ongoing National Geographic Greyhawke Expedition has answered question from the LA Times regarding that Expedition. Chief among her replies is the statement that "Greyhawkens are weapon and violence crazed loons that we should have nothing to do with." said Ms. Libra. "They openly carry weapons and brandish them frequently." Ms. Librea is calling for the end of the highly dangerous Expedition and ending contact with the world. Molly Abba was sought for comment and relied "Persons of weak character should not have their statements taken at face value." Asked about they reported level of violence: "No worst than any city on Earth and less so due to the fact weapons are openly carried." Said Mrs Abba. ---- FNN dateline Washington DC. Diplomatic News -- The Ane Confederation has announced diplomatic missions to Vegaris (one House Osgui) Vulcan, Kentari, and Teller. =2013= 6-4-13 FNN -- Olympic City Mars. Calling themselves the United Persons Olympic City residents have declared they are a body politic separate from any Earth nation and holding forth no leaders. Today they have released their Document of Consent of the United Parties of Olympic City. Within they have enacted the Sentient Rights Agreement as a founding principle of their community. So far no Earth government has reacted to this declaration. ---- MessyNBC -- Redmond, Wa. Messysoft has announced its new AwareSecurity system designed to prevent AI attack on non AI systems. "AwareSecirity which will run on all Winders 9 systems will absolutely prevent any AI hacking attempts on Winders 9 and later systems. Those that have not upgraded to Winders 9, which will run on any trilogic system should do so at once" said MessySort Chairman Steve Baller. ---- CNN -- Washington DC President Robert M. Russel has stated that the administration will continue to not enforce the current drug laws unless force was used in any fashion. President Russel again called Drug Prohibition a total failure that has twisted our society worse then the problem it was suppose to stop, and something that should end now. He once again called on Congress to change the law accordingly. President Russel has come under increasingly heavy fire for his blanket pardons of non-violent drug offenders. ---- Faux News -- New Orleans, La The FBI is coming under increasing fire for not halting the rampant crime and violence that have broken out since the failure of the New Orleans local government due to the efforts of the anarchist PAC ARM. The rule of arms enforced by the inhumans of the DSH has not brought the city to any degree of greater order. "President Russel is directly responsible for this failure" said Elder Statesmen Carl Rove 8-23-13 CoD Press release: The ADF has officially announced that they are bowing out of the Solar Patrol. Sufficient locals have been trained and are qualified to continue the service under Earth control. The Corps of Discovery is now in total command. ---- AP wire: The Eyrian Navy has issued a specification for a fusion reactor/electrical generating plant that is under 10 foot high, 10 foot wide and 40 foot long. Several companies have placed bids. ---- Wired: Texas Instruments has announced the production of what they are calling Tricorder three. A one man usable tricorder smaller than a briefcase. It has a pistol grip format and weight of about three pounds. Orders are being accepted. ---- CNN: The Discovery Channel has announced the new series "Discovering Kentari" to air next year. The show is currently in production. Unstated is the clear intent to compete with the National Geographic Greyhawke Expedition that is taking the entertainment world by storm. ---- BBC International: Pope Francis has called Concilium Oecumenicum Vaticanum Tribus. The agenda has not been announced, but the Enlightenment Movement that has been sweeping religion in general is bound of be a discussion. The Pope had no comment about the agenda prior to the Council. =2014= 5-14-14 CNN -- Denton, Texas -- The Peterbuilt company has announced that the 2015 krellite powered "Land Cruiser" will include full auto navigation and auto drive. There is a high degree of concern among consumer protection organizations over the proliferation of auto drive technologies. ---- FNN -- Tallahassee, Fl. -- A state "No Lethal" law identical to those passed in Louisiana, New York, and Illinois has been introduced in the state legislature in both houses. Both bills have heavy bi-partisan support and multiple sponsors. The recent entirely one sided shootout in Miami-Dale county is cited as the incident that sparked this move. The initial suspect and a totally innocent man were killed in a literal hail of bullets that also wounded two police officers. Neither suspect was armed. Eye witnesses reported the men in the suspect car were trying to surrender when the police fired nearly 400 rounds into the car and everything around it. "The police are totally out of control and cannot be trusted with the public safety." said State senator Paul Resoun (B) the bill author. In a directly related move Governor Jeff Shrub has called for all involved officers to be decertified with firearms. He has ordered the Attorney General to pull the CCW permits of every officer involved in the shoot out. 'this is unconscionable, and unreasonable for the pubic to be at greater risk form the police that the criminals." said Governor Jeff Shrub. The Miami-Dale Police officers' Union refused comment. ---- MessyNBC -- Dearborn, MI -- Ford Motor Company has announced that the Crown Victoria mark will be reintroduced for 2015 as an anti gravity ground car with full auto drive standard. ---- Discovery News -- Holllyweird, Ca -- The Discovery Network announced the "Interstellar Discovery" series filmed in cooperation with the Corps of Discovery. It will begin is September 2014. This stunning series will highlight the amazing work of the Corps of Discovery in illuminating the worlds in our own stellar neighborhood." said Discovery Spokesperson Mary Thorth. The series is to be presented in a semi-documentary style highlighting the individual discoveries of various crews rather than following a single crew. It was noted that 90% of space travel is very boring. ---- Nat Geo -- Washington DC -- The National Geographic Society has confirmed the second season of the runaway hit series 'The National Geographic Greyhawke Expedition". The crews are currently in hiatus. "We got enough film in the first six months of the expedition to give us six years of weekly shows. 52 weeks of weekly shows per year. Not just great TV but we have a stunning amount of science." stated spokesman and expedition member Dr. Craig Lee Fetours. Dr. Fetours also stated that he would be taking a less forward place in the show. "Mikki Ashby is a natural. No point in messing with that." Also announced that they will continue the popular interview show "Helenanna" featuring the Centaur Helenanna interviewing various celebrities. HUFF has continued its protest of the objectification of the Centaur Helenanna in her lack of dress. Helenanna when asked for comment stated "They can stuff it up their twat, they are not using them for anything else.". Nao Geo backed her statements as genuine. "We don't pay her to be politically correct." said an unnamed spokesperson. ---- Faux News -- Boston, Ma -- Local Maker and political crank Tom Swift is suing the State of Massachusetts over the "road use" taxes. "My AG ground car does not impact the road at any point." Stated Mr Swift. "Why should I pay for road services I don't need? Concrete, gravel, lawn, plowed or unplowed it doesn't matter." further Added Mr. Swift. The State declined comment on pending lawsuits. 6-3-14 MessyNBC New York -- Bank of America has announced the opening of the New ABC Data center. A true 21st century innovative approach to banking. The 25 million dollar data center will run the Advance Banking Client]. A new generation of ATM that can handle all tasks currently done by tellers. Opening accounts to cashier’s checks. As the ABC is rolled out a convenient five dollar fee will be changed to access the few remaining Human beings that are not getting huge executive bonuses. ---- BBC International Tokyo -- Soni Corporation has announced the world wide subspace accessible Soni Network. The Soni Network is no longer for games only but is designed to function as a full service Internet service provider for both Ethernet and subspace routers. Soni has also announced a six month promotion in which all laptop, desktop and Soni Entertainment systems will come with an internal or external subspace router. ---- CNN Dover, De -- The Standard Oil Company has filed for chapter 11 reorganization in the Federal Court. Company spoke persons site the falling demand for oil. ---- Rolling Stone Toronto -- Spokespersons for Justin Berber regretfully have confirmed that the troubled pop star has been turned into a Mouse. They are refusing further comment "at this time". ---- FNN The Moon -- The Solar Patrol has announced that six new stations designated Thunderbird One through Six will be placed in mid Earth orbit. They are equipped with multiple transporters and will be used for rescue situations without regard to persons or national origin. The six stations recently arrived from El Nanth on the ADF Gunga Din, having been built at Builder Station shipyards by the Ane Confederation. ---- Al Jazup Moscow -- The result of the Russian national elections are in and in a surprise move Deniska Rogdanov of the Russian Monarchists Party has taken the polling by storm. 6-4-14 Irrational Inquisitor Cuppertino, Ca. - the ghost of Steve Jobs manifested in Fruit HQ. The apparition raged at Fruit for making subspace transceivers and tricorders too large and clunky. "THINNER! THINNER!!" Job's anguished spirit howled from beyond the grave. One engineer who asked not to be identified, showed white hair and a traumatized thousand yard stare. "He tormented me and showed me hell itself. But I think I got a couple of ideas." When asked why he stayed, the engineer replied "For what they're paying? Are you kidding?" Fruit is reportedly days away from announcing their own Fruit subspace network, exclusively for iFruit products. Fruit stock jumped at the news. 6-11-14 AP Wire: The Ane Confederation has announced that the ADF Gunga Din is shortly arriving with space for 50,000 refugees. At this time the refugee slots are open to all not just those with technical skills. The Ane Embassy indicates that this will be the situation from now on. Contact the Ane Embassy for details. ---- CNN: An incident in Tunsa Ok. is being called a "Stunner Riot" by local police. A violent incident at a local street fair triggered a barrage of phaser beams as bystanders got dragged into the incident. Police are refraining from comment until they get a better handle on the breakdown of the situation. ---- FNN: Qatar has broken out in total revolution. As of 9:00 AM local time the From all indications the guest workers, maintained in slave conditions had all the guns, and the local police and military had none. The US Embassy is on lock down. Reports are saying that there have been few shootings. Most of the Guest Workers are demanding to exit the country. They are asking the United States to aid them in getting home. ---- MessyNBC: Sacramento Ca. State Congresscritter Barney Flute (TR) is calling for technology to track when and where a phaser is used. "Phasers are free ride murder machines." Said Flute "You ain't got no ballistics, no powder burns or nothin' like that. You can't tell who shot who." Flute continued. Flute has promised to introduce ill considered legislation to worsen the problem soon. 6-22-14 BBC International -- New York, New York -- The United Nations in a severe break with past policy has announces the seating of the Chinese separatist states of Tibet, Huan, and Sichuan State. In related news the Eyrian Empire of Greyhawke continues to turn down the offered seat in the General Assembly. Eryrian Ambassador to the United States commented "We appreciate the offer but really have no opinion on Earth matters, nor deserve one." Stated Ambassador Jerlane. ---- Huff & Puff Post -- Northern California Tribal Confederation. Ca. -- Reports continue to trickle out of the Mount Shasta camping grounds of large talking racoons. We are certain that this is a sure sign that the final breakout is much closer that authorities wish us to believe. Huff & Puff Post invites you to comment if you have turned into something different. ---- Faux News -- Tulsa Ok -- The Reverend Dr. Mark Mateland, President of leading education institution Oral Robbers University has called on all believers to get ready for the End Times. "Brothers and sisters, even the Godless administration of Robert Russel must admit that the signs of the End Times are upon us." said Dr. Mark Mateland. "They call it breakout and try and lull you in to believing it is just an event, but the signs are on us. Gay Marriage, aliens, and unnatural creatures walk the Earth. Christ is coming for his own, be ready" continued Dr. Mark Mateland. Those with further questions are invited to contact the University though Faithbook, God's social media. ---- Mother Jones -- Locdu, Scotland -- The Collegium Arcane is once again making a public call to those that practice magic to contact them. Collegium spokesperson expressed belief that there are many more practitioners of magic that people realize. Past persecution may have driven them underground, but they are there. Anne Counter of Faux News invited all witches to burn themselves and save everyone else the trouble. 7-22-14 MessyNBC -- Sacramento, Ca -- State sources indicate the California legislature is debating a per mile road use tax as the sudden rise of the krellite cell has tanked the gravy train that was gasoline taxes. "Electric cars have certainly improved the environment, but is is still using fire and must be punished. We cannot allow taxpayers to drive in California on the cheap." Said State Representative Barney Flute. Privacy advocates are concerned at the closed door debates and are demanding the proceedings be opened to the public. ---- Faux News -- Mexico City, Mexico -- Government sources indicate that citizen militias, using advanced military weapons, have attacked and by all reports destroyed the Knight's Templar drug cartel. Reports are fragmentary but what cane be told is that a major battle was engaged and fought over a period of 48 hours. Militia sources are claiming a complete victory. There is great concern over the source of the militia weapons. The presence of gun running is obvious but no effort has been made by the Russel administration to locate or stop this illegal flow of assault rifles and other military grade ordinance. There is a good possibility that the unsanctioned militias will not stop at drug cartels but will overthrown the government as well. ---- FNN -- The Moon -- Corps of Discovery spokesperson Anthony Allion has conformed that the girls kidnapped by terrorist group Boko Dodo have been recovered by stations Thunderbird 3 and Thunderbird 4. "All persons held by the group that did not wish to be there have been returned to their families. Like arraignments will be made for any person kidnapped we are made aware of." Said Anthony Allion. The Corps of Discovery has still refused to be involved in the politics of any region, but will only rescue the victims. ---- BBC International -- Rochester, Mn, USA -- Today the Mayo Clinic has announced that have reversed a major limb amputation in a human being. The patient, name currently withheld, was treated for an above the knee leg amputation suffered five years ago. The cloned limb was attached two weeks ago in a 6 hour surgery and the patient is up and walking normally at this time. ---- AP Wire -- Olympic City, Mars -- The Bob & Frank Ducker Mining Consortium has announced the largest iridium strike found on Mars to date. "Sensor data indicates we have found the main pipe of Olympic Mons. Send money whores and booze." Stated company spokesman Frank Ducker. Representatives for War God Limited refused comment. 10-7-14 MessyNBC -- Pasadena Ca.-- JPL has announced the launch date for the first of the long delayed Nomad Probes. Nomad 1 will be launched on November 4 from Gargian Station. The Nomad series of super luminal probes will seek life in other star systems. They will spread the efforts of the Current Corps of Discovery ships. ---- Faux News -- Jerusalem -- Increasing reports from Iraq are indicating that major figures in the ISIS terriost group have been turned into anthropomorphic pigs. Vidro or still images confirming this have yet to be seen. ---- Variety -- Hollyweird -- The new Discovery programs are picking up steam! Discovery Kentari has taken up the entire supply of image blur covering all those naughty boobies on Kentari. Discovery Star Trek continues to fascinate us every well with the daring exploits of the Corps of Discovery. Meanwhile at Nao Geo they are still on a roll. Mikki Ashby is America's new living room darling as she explores the strange and wonderful world of Greyhawke in the National Geographic Greyhawke Expedition. And they don't blur anything. How daring! Helenanna has been renewed for a second year. We frankly didn't see this having legs, but she does have four after all. In industry news Walt Dizney Corporation has bought TLC. They have returned the name to "The L:earning Channel", They have announced that all reality programing is being dropped and new educational programing will be seen in the mid season lineup. Meanwhile they have been reaching into the archive for old favorites. Honey has a boo boo. ---- Wall Street Journal: -- New York, NY -- In stunning news Standard Oil Company was delisted by the NYSE. The corporation is currently seeking buyers for their assets. ---- BBC International -- Jakara Indonesia -- The Indonesian Courts have pointed out that anti-witchcraft laws long on the books but mostly forgotten will be aggressively enforced. "The presence of witchcraft will not be tolerated." Specific crimes being indicate are turning someone into an animal or profaning the name of Ghodd with magic. Amnesty International is predicting a bloodbath. 11-12-14 Faux News -- NY, NY -- Leading Christian publisher Calvary Press has published the Book of Blessings and the Book of Enlightenment in hard cover. Currently available by special order only. Calvary Press has said they will aggressively defend their rightful copyright on these publications. ---- CNN -- Los Angeles, Ca -- Noted mystic and medium Xena Mystique was found dead in her home this morning. Police have not issued a cause of death. Chief Charlie Beck of the LAPD has stated that the death is being treated as a homicide at this time. He refused further comment. Updates: The FBI Bureau 13 has been brought in on the investigation. Officials are making no further statements at this time. The matter is "under investigation", there are no suspects. Chief Charlie Beck of the LAPD refused to comment on the rumored attack on an LAPD officer. "The matter is under investigation, we are pulling in experts we feel we need. There is nothing more to say at this time." said Chief Charlie Beck. ---- High Times - Washington DC -- Today President Robert M. Russel signed an executive order removing Marijuana from the list of class 1 drugs. He has ordered the FDA to reevaluate all class one drugs with the possible purpose of eliminating the category. ---- Los Angeles Times -- Los Angeles -- Police chief has decried the passage of Measure A, the Police Arms Limitations Ordinance as making the job of the police force impossible and empowering criminals to do as they please. Civil Rights advocate Chris Raymond replied "Cry me a river. They brought this on themselves." ---- MessyNBC -- Sacramento, Ca -- With both Proposition 2 and Proposition 11 having passed in the recent election both sides are gearing up for what looks to be a protracted legal battle over exactly what the law now is in regards to magic. 12-21-14 CNBC -- Miami -- US Coast Guard reports rescuing a large cruise ship off the Florida coast in conjunction with the Royal Caribbean ship Freedom of the Seas. The ship was cleared by The Solar Patrol Thunderbird 2 station. All passengers and crew of the unknown vessel of unknown class and unknown registry are Tanuki. The 4500 persons are the largest example of the Tanuki Rain to date and the only example that has left a major physical artifact. All persons recovered are currently being processed by US Immigration are refugees. An unnamed government spokesperson reports they will be treated as any such refugees have been. They are reaching out to the current Tanuki community for aid in integrating the refugees. The ship sunk off the Florida coast in 100 feet of water it's upper works are still visible. The Coast Guard has reported there is no danger of ecological damage as the ship is fusion fueled. Update: The Blackmane Brothers have savaged the vessel turning it over to the Walt Dizney Corporation for refitting and service. Dizney spokesperson refused comment at this time saying the ship needs to be evaluated by the Coast Guard and engineers before any plans are made. The ship currently designated "Dizney X" is in the Miami shipyards. ---- E! -- Hollyweird -- E! proudly announces the creation of the exciting Woodmanor unit. A permanent news crew in the shining Eyrian Capital of Woodmaor that will give us all the breathless excitement of the glittering court of the imposing Emperor Tesral and his ravishing wife the Empress Sabrina who so recently graced our nation's venerable Capital with their august presence. We look forward to their fascinating reports. ---- AP Wire -- Moon -- The Corps of Discovery has announced the launching of the Colombia Class Cruiser the Richard Douglas Husband. The R.D. Husband is scheduled to enter active service after a 90 day shake down and inspection cruise. She will be rolling out under the Command of Captain Susan Anderson, noted as the first woman to walk on the Moon and Mars. ---- Faux News -- Washington DC. -- Minority Leader Ted Crude has announced that he is suing President Russel for his abandonment of Drug Enforcement. "He is leaving American Youth to the ravages of uncontrolled drug use by ending the necessary work of the DEA." said Senator Crude. "Police will have to trade in their Cadillacs for Chevys without all that drug seizure money." ---- Miami Herald -- Tallahassee -- Governor Jeb Shrub signed into law to day the Florida No Lethal Act requiring all police forces in the state to switch to stunners only. Florida is the fourth stat to make his move after Louisiana, New York, and Illinois. California turned down such a measure in the 2014 Election =2015= 1-2-15 Faux News -- Topeka, KS -- State Representative William Nobran ® has announced that he has introduced a bill in the State House to ban Ley lines from crossing the state of Kansas. "I expect that my fellow representatives will see this bill as the measured response that it is to the problem of godless magic and co-sign in droves." said Rep Nobran. ---- AP Wire -- Talltrees MT -- City fathers have announced a crash expansion of local housing to deal with the sudden influx of the cruise ship survivors. The Church of Blackmane is aiding with the fast growth of trees. ---- FNN -- Moon -- The Corps of Discovery announced today the commissioning of the new El Nanth supplied CDSS Farsight, a Basking Ray class cruiser. The CDSS Farsight will join other Corps of Discovery vessels in exploration of the Galaxy. The announcement was made today by Captain Jeffery Christopher who is transferring from the CDSS Michael J. Smith. Captain Christopher announced that their first mission is to the world of Vich-Ar. The Vicharrians having recently visited Earth. ---- BBC -- Rome -- The Vatican announced today that Cardinal Stern has been demoted from the Arch-Diocese of Boston to Chaplin of the Knights of Malta for his constant conservative out lashing against the Enlightenment Movement and the conciliatory tone of Pope Francis. 2-8-15 BBC International -- Vatican City -- The recommendations of the Third Vatican Counicl have been placed before Pope Francis. This is being called the most radial realignment of the Catholic faith ever. Church watchers are sure that not all the changes will sit will with the congregation. The major points are: * The medieval prohibition of marriage for priests will be withdrawn. The oath of celibacy for the ordained is withdrawn. Priests are welcome to marry within the bounds of the faith and may God bless their unions. Celibacy among the religious orders must be decided by the orders themselves. It is not required. *''Catholics must not breed indiscriminately.'' The stewardship of the world includes not overpopulating it. To that end all the methods of contraception that God has granted man may be used, save permanent sterilization for other than medical reasons. Abortion is still forbidden, do not get pregnant in the first place. Sex is God's gift. Use it responsibly within marriage. *''With great sadness we must withdraw the miracle of transubstantiation.'' The rising magic in the world raises the very real possible event that there will be Human blood and flesh on the altar of God in the near future. We must hold the blood and body of Christ only within our hearts. May God have Merry on us for what must be done. *''The gifted within the Church are welcome.'' God has become evident among us. These are people touched by God regardless of their station in life. All that can perform miracles in God's name are welcome. *''Aliens are welcome into the Fellowship of Christ.'' All the universe is the creation of God the Father and all life within it scared unto him. It is not for man to judge the position of other species in regard to original sin. Christ came to Earth and God may have other plans for other peoples. We are not to judge. However those that will worship with us are welcome. ---- AP Wire -- Washington DC -- The White House has ordered a complete investigation into the policies and methods of the FBI in light of the case of the shooting of the Greyhawke woman Molly Abba, allegedly instigated by the anti terror unit. President Russel has asked for the resignation of FBI Director James Corrny. No replacement was named at this time. Reports are indicating the situation is blowing up into a major diplomatic incident with the Eyrian Empire. Public reaction has been just short of a hanging mob. This is only the latest event in the increasingly apparent problem of police abuse of power. ---- Faux News - Gulf View, Texas - Enormous State University has announced a speaking engagement with noted Zulu which hunter Megrub Umoney for a series of lectures on how to identify and neutralize witches. "A necessary talent in today’s increasingly dangerous world." stated an unnamed University Spokesman. 2-10-15 FNN -- Moon -- The Corps of Discovery has announced the opening of Star Base One. All Corps of Discovery space operations except construction will move to Star Base One located in the l1 position between the Earth and the Moon description of the Larange points The Corps of Discovery has indicated that the El Nanth built station was delivered in parts on the ADF Babe and assembled in place at L1. "We have an active plan for expansion" said CoD Press Secretary Anthony Allion. "Over the coming years the custom made containers will vanish as the core of a much larger facility that will grow as the Corp of Discovery needs it. Star Base One will serve the Corps for decades to come." Plans for the final station would include housing for entire ships crews, training facilities, construction facilities and repair docks inside a monster docking bay protected from space. ---- MessyNBC -- Washington DC -- White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest has indicated that Allen Scitus, currently the Assistant Director of the, until recently, secretive Bureau 13 has been tapped as Deputy Director of the FBI. The White House gave no further details or background on Allen Scitus. Secretary Josh Earnest also indicated that the White House has made a choice for the new Director, but is withholding the name until they hear back from him. He is noted however as a retired FBI agent of extensive experience and no political views save justice. "We hope to confirm the President's choice soon" added Secretary Earnest. UPDATE: Attorney General Eric Holder has announced that Angelo Mancuso has been appointed as Director of the FBI. "Mr. Mancuso is a retired FBI agent, formerly of the 13th Bureau. He is noted as a tireless advocate for rights and doing things the right way". Stated Attorney General Eric Holder. Mr. Mancuso was introduced to the press and answered several questions. "I welcome this opportunity to serve the people of the United States" sand Mr. Mancuso. "I am unsettled at the circumstance under which I have been asked to assume this task. I promise that a through investigation. There will be no cover up or white wash.l People are gong to jail. Justice will be done, ethics will be restored." ---- ABC -- Washington DC -- Ambassador Jerlane of the Greyhawke Eyrian Empire confirmed again that the Eyrian Empire is confident that the United States will do the proper thing in the recent crime against HIH Molly Abba. "Yes, lady Abba by her own word was gravely injured, but magic present on her person recovered her from the wounds. She is grateful the criminals targeted herself as anyone without that magic would have been killed outright." said Ambassador Jerlane. He further confirmed that yes an extradition request had been placed with the US State Department for all persons involved including the FBI undercover agents involved. No word on the matter had yet been confirmed. ---- Irrational Inquisitor -- New York, NY -- Eye witnesses have claim to have seen a giant alligator in the East River. The New York SPCA is not discounting this and advies people to be extra careful with pets of children around the river while the investigation is on going. "With the stuff going on today we can't just discount anything. Normally I would say the East River was way cold for gators, but wes gonna look inna it." said an unnamed SPCA spokesman. UPDATE: Spokespersons for the ASPCA and the DSH report that they have captured a Mosasaurus, an animal believed to have been extinct for 65 million years. This vicious predator is an air breathing reptile, and came in everything from alligator to bus sized and was the terror of the Jurassic oceans. This specimen is 22 feet long and weighs nearly 4 tons. It has been moved to the Woods Hole Oceanographic Institution for study. No decision has been made about placing it on public display. PETM has called for the immediate release of the Mosasaurus and promised to sue in Federal Court to secure the freedom of the Mosasaurus to terrorize the seas. ---- BBC International -- Aruba -- Aruba Space Port officials are currently quarantining a body of ten passengers from Mars they say are suffering the effects of an unidentified illness. The space port hospital has reached out to the Corps of Discovery for their xenomedicine experts. 3-26-18 Faux News -- Lynchburg, VA -- Ted Crude formally announced his candidacy for President in 2016 before a crowd of ten thousand students at Liberty University. The crowd was enthusiast to the full extent required by University code of conduct. "It's a great day for Team Red" said Ted Crude. "I am the best candidate Team Red has and the best the nation deserves." UPDATE (MessyNBC): Raphael Crude, Ted Crude's father and a fundamentalist preacher was recorded telling his congregation that the Tanuki were signs of the end times and should be shot or rounded up, along with Atheists and Homosexuals. ---- New York Times -- Opinion page. -- It has come to the attention of this genteel reader that the political process is in general off the rails, and like anything meant to run on rails that attempts to do otherwise, not functioning as it should. It is clear to this reader that the intention of the Founding Fathers that men of good character would run for political office was fool-hardy at the least if not delusional. But being in general men of decent character themselves they did not see otherwise. The average political candidate is venal, self-serving, egotistical, and has the morally consistent nature of a weather vane, to mention the more flattering traits. They are further allergic to any form of accountability for their actions. The one point the reader sees as abhorrent and a danger to all public good. To this end we laud the idea of the oath of Noble Obligation indeed we would name if the Oath of Moral Obligation. We would urge it with necessary due force on all that would hold political offices and the public good be better served for all the public, not merely those that contribute sufficient funds to the campaign war chest. -- Richard Saunders. ---- MessyNBC -- Sacramento Ca -- Ronnie Raygun, whom some report as the reborn personage of the Late President Ronnie Raygun spoke in a guest lecture before the Stanford University student body. Which he wryly noted to reporters was not required to attend. Mr. Raygun spoke on the coming breakout urging students to be aware, be critical and be kind. Noting that his very presence was a sign that the breakout was coming. "I cannot urge you strongly enough to look out for your neighbor. Modern society is interdependent to a stunning degree. The life and well being of the family next door or even across town could well mean you own. We will stick together and help each other, or we will each die alone." said Mr Raygun in his address to the students. Standard University is the first collage in the nation to start a magic department. ---- New Orleans Times-Picayun -- New Orleans LA -- The Rev Donald Bovodox of The Ninth Ward Universal Prosperity Pentecostal Church was turned into a mouse before his entire congregation at the beginning of his sermon last Sunday. The service broke down into total chaos and Constables were summoned. No arrests were made. Church goers noted this was the second Sunday in which services were interrupted. the previous Sunday Rev Donald Bovodox had said that entertainer Willis Blackmane of Astral Flame as "the son of Satan himself" The service was interrupted by the appearance behind the pulpit of a Tanuki that identified himself as Evan Blackmane, Willis Blackmane's actual Father. The Rev Bovodox was told to expect to be sued. That week a lawsuit for defamation of character was opened by Evan Blackmane in the local district court, The Bovodox family has refused to comment on any events. ---- FNN -- Washington DC - At the Religious anti Freedom summit formally titled the Family Values Voter Summit Rick Asylum has declared "We are the dumb people. We are proud be the dumb people and we like being dumb. We take strength in Jebus from our dumbness." 4-30-15 LA Times -- Op Ed page -- The water taps that have been placed to water the Los Angeles valley are a terrible mistake. With enough water people will act irresponsible, filling pools and growing invasive lawns. The city will further destroy what is left of the environment. Anthropomorphic humidification is human interference at its worst. Stop interfering with nature! You are destroying the Earth! -- Sol Green (Team Green) ---- CNN -- Las Vegas -- three persons were arrested and transported to hospital from Lake Mead Wednesday. They where found on what has become known as Jet Island in lake Mead the location of the water jet. Suspicions started with workers and tourists on the Hoover Dam reported seeing an explosion on the island. Responding officers found all three injured by the detonation and further explosive material in their boat. Joe Tugreen, Andy Snobe, and Amy SoJuwa are changed with possession of explosives, violating the restricted zone on the island and general stupidity. No damage was done to the Jet. Joe Tugreen is noted as a known member of GNOME. ---- Washington Post -- Washington DC -- Collision Raccoon of the DSH is credited with saving the Washington monument from a man claiming to be a living bomb. Boris Bloenoff, a foreign national was threatening to blow out the monument with himself if he did not receive 5 billion dollars and a bottle of vodka. The DSH later reported that Mr Bloenoff was indeed a credible threat and could have detonated his own body, fatally to himself. It was revealed that he was working under coercion and is cooperating with federal authorities. There were no injuries. ---- Huff & Puff Post -- Opinion -- The Earth is fatally over crowded. Technology cannot save us, magic cannot save us. The struggle is doomed. The more people have tried to better their condition. The worse the impact on the world, and the sooner the end will come. It is better to live an abject life of hand to mouth poverty and slow the pace of total extinction. We must accept the apocalypse of Breakout and do nothing to save ourselves. Decreasing our numbers is the only salvation. -- Hiram Brockovert Comments: "You first." -- Cat Boy 5-3-15 MessyNBC -- New York, NY -- Millicent Clinton announced today that she is ready to assume her position as the nation's mommy and first Woman President. She promises that Bill will be kept in the basement and fed beer and football for her entire term in office. ---- FNN -- Opinion Blogs -- What a marvelous tool we have in the data net. Any citizen can express an opinion had indeed have it heard or read by a great many people that agree with them. And in this lies the issue. We are not listening to opinions that do not match our own and in this are doing ourselves and by extension our Nation a great disservice. By living within what is now called 'the echo box' of complacent agreement that ruffles none of our feathers we become chickens fat for the stew. And we will not see the hatchet coming. We must not bow to the lessor urges of comfort in agreement. Read that which displeases you. Engage in reasoning discourse with those of other opinions. It was by this means that the Republic was founded, and only by this means will it be recovered. - Richard Saunders. ---- Mother Jones -- Dalton, GA -- Noted Little Person advocate Brian Amelio announced today that he has undergone "A personal Breakout". Mr Amelio explained: "I'm a Dwarf, as in the Greyhawken race of that name. I'm taller, broader and razors whimper at the thought of this beard. I intend to join the effort to prepare others for the general Breakout." ---- Faux News -- Tulsa, Ok -- Noted Evangelist and president of Oral Robbers University Dr. Mark Mateland has stated: "If the Supreme Court allows homosexual unions across the nation Yellowstone will erupt destroying our wicked nation like Israel of old." Comments: "Still waiting...." -- Joe Rational ---- CNN -- Napa, CA -- First Ane Citizen. Yusaban born May first at the Ane Enclave of California is the first Ane citizen of the United States. The proud parents were unwilling to show him off "For our own safety" it was explained. "Newborns have no telepathic volume control." CNN reporter Susan Sunshine asked Fenterban, the proud father, what plans they have for the new citizen. "In forty years we'll run him for President, that should be fun." replied Fenterban. When asked about Yusaban's status Simon Daklander of the Immigration and Naturalization Service replied: "The Ane Enclave has no special status, it's US soil in every respect. By the Constitution that makes Yusaban a US citizen. The Coffee Caucus of Team Red was demanding to see Yusaban's long form Birth Certificate. 5-8-15 BBC -- Glastonbury, England -- Locals are shocked with the appearance of a glittering structure on Glastonbury Tor. In appearance a medieval castle coated in a white but glittering paint of some kind. The large moat and bailey castle appears to be empty. The Royal Marines have been called into investigate the currently locked structure. ---- CNN -- Seattle, Washington -- Mr Rainier began to emit a large plume of smoke on May 8. The USGS office has reported a large number of micro quakes in the MT Rainier area. Local residents are urged to review their evacuation plans. ---- Faux News -- New Madrid, TN -- New Madrid was hit by a 5.5 earthquake on the open ended Richter scale reported United States Geological Service. Some residents said they felt the brief quake. No damage was reported. The USGS has further reported a large number of micro quakes in the vicinity of the New Madrid fault. Presidential hopeful Fred Wanabee has stated that; "God is angry over the US tolerance of Aliens and Homosexuals. And imminent destruction can only be stopped by a return to his version of God". ---- Huff & Puff Post -- Bend, OR -- BIGFOOT FOUND! -- Rangers in the Williamette National Forest have reported that Judy Reynolds, the hiker missing for two days was carried to the Mt Bachelor station by a Sasquatch. Several persons including Ms Reynolds witnessed the Sasquatch and clear photos were taken. The Sasquatch left without a word. Ms. Reynolds suffered a broken leg on her hike. She is currently in the hospital and has declined further comment at this time. A brief search of the wood around the station found no sign of the Sasquatch. ---- FNN -- The Moon --''' Vicarrian Diplomacy''' -- The Corps of Discovery has reported that they have a successful contact with the Vcicarrian Empire, a star fairing Race that recently visited Earth on an exploration mission. Captain Jeffery Christopher of the CDSS Farsight has announced that peaceful diplomatic relations with the Viccarians have been established. 6-4-15 AP -- Aquarius Station -- The Royal Star Lines "Voyager of the Stars" the first of the Clipper Class Star Liners launched to great fanfare. The Clipper class promises warp 5 service to Centaui, Vulcan, and Teller. The best of high luxury accommodations are available the equal of any cruise liner on Earth. ---- MessyNBC -- Washington DC -- With the addition of Fred Wanabee the Team Red primary is promising to have more runners than the Kentucky Derby and a lower average IQ. It is noted that Team Red pols are grabbing "the crazy" in box car loads to please the assumed "core" of the party. Voters will remember come November how crazy they where now. ---- FNN -- St. Louis -- The Collegium Arcane has announced the opening of Wildemere Academy in St. Louis Missouri. Windemere Academy is a fully accredited primary UnSchool with a "magic aware" curriculum. Windemere Academy will open with the Fall term in September on a three term a year, three months on, one month off schedule. Student applications are being accepted at this time for all ages. ---- Faux News -- Oklahoma City -- An anonymous spokesperson of the United American Militia have announced they will begin the cleansing of America from the filth of Aliens "By any means required". They claim they will strike in five days. Federal officials when asked for comment replied that any violence will be dealt with swiftly and surely. ---- Vista City Guardian -- Vista City -- Micheal Flynn and Helen Books will wed on June 6th in a private ceremony. The location has not been revealed. Micheal Flynn is well known as the firebrand of the Enlightenment Movement and a former Priest of the Roman Catholic Church. When asked for comment Bishop Morgan Farrel of the Diocese of Vista City, Flynn's former Bishop, only wished the new couple a blessed marriage and life together, 6-16-15 MessyNBC -- Phoenix, Az. -- A Cyber City in the Desert -- Federal Authorities have announced the discovery and acceptance of an unknown life form that apparently has been hiding on Earth for a number of years. The Aliens of living metal called Technomorphs are building a city in the dessert near Phoenix they are calling Saibotoron. The aliens are beings of living metal able to alter their forms at will. In total they number under 10,000 and require no resources other than sunlight. They have no biology as Earth science understands it. The spokesbeing for the aliens called Alphabot has stated they are fascinated by Earth culture even if their arrival here was a accident. Alphbot asked that Humans give then some room for a while as they get settled in. ---- AP Wire -- Washington DC -- Team Scarlet Announced -- Pennsylvania Senator Paul Rand along with other members of Congress has announced the Formation of Team Scarlet. The purpose of the party is to promote conservative values like leaving people alone and not spending more than you have without "The Crazy" that has consumed Team Red. They have further stated that they have no relation to the Religious Right or Keynesian "voodoo" economics. An unnamed Team Red Spokesperson decried the move as splitting the party in a way the will benefit neither and defending the Team Red moral base. "Our moral are good and good for America. We need more morals", stated the unnammed Team Red Spokesperson. ---- CBS News -- Boston Ma -- Meta Villain Captured. -- The DSH has announced that a meta calling himself God's Lightning has been captured and held without bond for the crime of kidnapping. He and his gang of racists were holed up on the farm of Mr. and Mrs. Riley Podunk and holding the elderly couple against their will. ---- Faux News -- New York, NY -- Glen Peck Fired -- Faux News has announce that Glen Peck has been offered a chance to succeed elsewhere. "Mr. Peck and Faux News are no longer in accord over our basic view points." ---- Channel 5 Eyewitless News -- Hampton Va -- Missing School Bus -- Authorities have reported that a school bus from the Our Lady of Mercy Girl's School did not arrive as scheduled for class this morning. The incident is being actively investigated. 23 girls and the bus driver are missing. Anyone that sees the bus, a Blue Bird flat cab electric bus in blue with Our Lady of Mercy Girl's School on the side please contact authorities at once. 6-30-15 Faux News - - Oklahoma City -- An anonymous spokesperson of the United American Militia has claimed credit for the bombing of a retail establishment in Tall Trees, Montana. The anonymous person claimed that there will be a second strike in four days or less and the body count will be higher. ---- MessyNBC - Washington DC - With the addition of Chis Crispy to the Team Red Slate the Redders have nearly enough players to field a baseball team. Maybe they should give up politics and field a baseball team. ---- FNN - Web Opinion - We cannot but note the reaction of certain parties to a recent Supreme Court decision increasing the general liberty and welfare of the nation. Such a crying in the wilderness we have never seen. A general denying of reality to the point of declaring the Count itself unconstitutional and threatening to set oneself on fire. The threat to hold the state's breath until they die are mild by comparison. All to which I must call on a wiser head to comment. "Vanity of vanities, saith the Preacher, vanity of vanities; all is vanity. The thing that hath been, it is that which shall be; and that which is done is that which shall be done: and there is no new thing under the sun." This to shall pass and no disaster will befall. That one can get one's panties in so tight a bunch calling a increase in liberty and security a failure is beyond us. If we take anything from this hue and cry it is that those with such an infirm grip on the Constitution and the workings of the nation, not to mention reality itself should by no means be considered fit to serve the country in any fashion. -- Richard Sanders. ---- Channel 5 Cincinnati - Cincinnati, OH - The old Evens house long a fixture of Corryville with a reputation for being haunted burst into flame last night and was completely consumed. The local fire department reported that in the seven minutes it took for fire personnel to arrive there was nothing but a few timbers and the foundation. The only thing of note was the presence of a conversion van with "The Spirit Special" painted on the side in the driveway of the old Evens house. Authorities are seeking anyone connected to the van. ---- BBC International - Vatican City - Pope Francis has called on the world's Catholics to lay aside all sectarian conflicts and to forgive all enemies "in the spirit of Christ". "We must bind together with our neighbors of every faith and creed to survive the coming storm. Breakout is not the second coming. It will be a time of tribulation for all the Earth." Said Pope Francis. 7-14-15 APWire - New York, NY - The 2nd Federal court of Appeals has granted religious agitator Francine Borodin a new trial based on the incompetence of his counsel. No date has been set at this time. Francine Borodin allegedly shot Helenanna the Centaur outside of the Nat Geo studios in Manhattan. ---- Faux News - New York, NY - Terrorist Freed - The Terrorist known as Fairy Godfather has been freed as he has destroyed the prosecution of both New Orleans and New York city with spurious accusation of corruption. The activist Justice Department of President Russel continues to take these farcical charges seriously crippling law enforcement in both cities and allowing this murdering terrorist to go free. ---- ABC15 - Phoenix Az - Sheriff Joe is a Mexican? - In a resent public appearance to announce fresh plans to ignore the US Department of Justice embattled Sheriff Joe Alpo looked more like Pancho Villa than Pancho Villa. His skin was notably swarthier and he sported a huge mustache. Bandoleers and a sombrero would have competed the picture. The Sheriff's department refused comment. The local Latino community is outraged at this blatant parody. Calls for his head are getting literal. ---- Mother Jones - Frostbite Falls, MN - Scientific Expedition Mounted.-- Dr Francis Withertspoon of the Northern University of Northern Minnesota has announced an expedition to the lost center of the Earth. Dr. Witherspoon claims he has located a crack in the Earth that leads directly to this lost land and has assembled an expedition to begin exploration. 7-29-15 MessyNBC -- Long Beach, Ca -- The Saucers Have Arrived! -- Researchers at the Corps of Discovery Research and Development facility, formerly the Warp Drive Project have unveiled the C-57A, flying saucer. The 25 foot diameter single seat saucer is driven by a combination of anti gravity lift and impulse thrust. It includes inertial dampening and is capable of the kind of maneuvers claimed for UFOs in days past. When asked why they built this frankly impractical device researcher Ed Finch replied. "Because we could. It's cool! Every old test pilot on the grounds has a grin so hard they will have to be chiseled off." Reporter Mary Contra asked what the future of the craft was. "If someone puts it in production, anyone that can afford a single seat sports plane could have one of these. No reason you couldn't add more seats either." said Ed Finch. We further asked who the plans would be sold to. "Once we are done testing they are public domain. That is how we work. Anyone can have them." Added Ed Finch. Public reaction to the C-57A has yet to come in. ---- Los Angeles Times -- Los Angeles, Ca - Historic City Hall Burns! -- A fire broke out in the Historic city Hall late Friday evening. Firefighters were quick to respond as was the Los Angeles branch of the Department of Super Heroes. The blaze was contained to two floors. Fire investigators suspect arson, and engineers are examining the Historic structure for critical damage. The City thanks the brave efforts of the Heroes and Firefighters involved and is withholding comment until investigators report. All city offices will be closed until further notice. ---- DSH PSA -- New York, NY -- Beware of Dagon! -- Dark powers are afoot. If shadowy things offer you wonderful deals, SAY NO! The deal is never worth your soul. Don't idly curse people, don't idly make covetous wishes. God DOES NOT answer such things, Dagon does. And when the bill comes due you will not like the price. ---- BBC International -- Seoul, Korea -- Pyongyang Recovery -- Ninety-seven persons recently appeared on the grounds of what was once the center of Pyongyang. The people, late members of the North Korean "Comfort Corps" and a few members of the Guard reported on the horrors of those that were in the city when it vanished. "The land was full of monsters. The bullets ran out quickly, diesel for the generators likewise. The palace quickly became unlivable. The old men died first. None could do anything useful. Little Fatty was one of the first to go, eaten by a beast. We made spears of wood and knives, we lived hand to mouth always with fewer and fewer. Then the shining being came and offered us reprieve if we forsook the old regime. They are dead, it was easy." The survivors are being extensively debriefed. All appeared at least well fed if roughly treated. ---- Vista City Guardian -- Vista City Ca. -- Statue Missing -- The stature of noted Educator Raymond Graines was reported missing on Monday morning from the main campus of Northern California Polytechnic. Police are seeing information as to the disposition of the statue and who took it. "It's the wrong season for senior pranks and this is extreme." Report School Administrator Beau O'Crat. ---- FNN -- Corps of Discovery, The Moon -- Tragedy struck the Corps of Discovery today. In an accident involving EVA training Three cadets and one trainer were killed, while two cadets suffered injuries. Initial reports indicate that a device for boring a hole in an asteroid malfunctioned and exploded. A full investigation has begun and will reveal more details. The exercise was a routine training mission, which involved locating a near Earth asteroid and putting a subspace marker beacon on it. There are tens of thousands of such objects, and the Solar Patrol is marking them as they go. The work is routine and so was viewed as an opportunity for training exercises. The names of the deceased are being withheld pending notification of their families. The Solar Patrol and Corps of Discovery have suspended all EVA activity until a review of safety procedures can be conducted. ---- The Wall Street Journal -- New York, NY -- Rumors of distension and tension in Space-X, the space development company pioneered by Elon Musk. Musk is known for his Magpie class space tug as well as development of sections of Aquarius Station, the Moon and Mars Musk and Sogui, having successfully opened an Anti-Matter refinery in solar orbit, would seem to be solid business partners, building fortunes. However, development of in-space refining and smelting of asteroid materials has proven technically tougher, leading to delays and cost over runs, sparking tension between the two business giants. Insiders report cultural differences are leading to communications problems between the two space developers. Their asteroid mining business could mean billions if successful. 8-11-15 CNN -- Kennedy Space Center -- President Faster than light -- President Robert M. Russel took a jaunt on the Space Command vessel USS Gregory B. Jarvis today. The President was given a close up look at Jupiter and Saturn becoming the first president to travel faster than light. President Russel when asked to comment replied. "There are no words for the wonders of our universe, even this small corner of it. I am a highly privileged person to have been able to see all that I have. I will continue to work so that anyone can have that privilege." ---- Faux News -- Washington DC -- Senator and Presidential candidate Ted Crude has promised to "Bring Mars and the Moon under the rightful control the United States when elected. It is our duty and right to control space as the world's leading Christian nation. added Senator Crude. ---- BBC -- Rio de Janeiro, Brazil -- Cardinal Juan Carlos Del Cassa has declared that Pope Francis to be apostolic and blasphemous for the implementation of the findings of Vatican Three. He was noted as a strong voice for the conservative hard line during the conference. Cardinal Cassa has called on the college of cardinals to excommunicate the Pope and call a conclave to replace him. Rome has not yet responded to this statement. We expect the reply will be harsh. ---- Mother Jones -- Madison, WI -- Leading Social Justice Warrior Pauline Prudence is calling on the UN to declare magic a world resource. All magic using persons should be registered and all harmful rituals banned. "If magic is to be a vital resource in the future we must get on the ground floor to make sure it is distributed in a politically correct manner and that access is denied to no one. We might have break few eggs, but the equally shared omelet will be worth it." said Pauline Prudence Representative for the Collegium Arcane Arthur Brisbane replied that "Ms Prudence has no relationship with reality. I'm not commenting on the feasibility of the impossible." ---- Messy NBC -- New York, NY -- Faux commentator Ann Counter has not been in public lately Faux has refused to comment. Could it be that at last she is a mouse? One can but hope, we mean wonder. 8-25-15 Los Angeles Times -- Long Beach -- Steven and Jennifer Ashby wish to announce the birth of Elizabeth Mae Ashby born August 24 at 7:18 PṀ Mother and child are both in wonderful condition. ---- FNN -- Moon -- The Solar Patrol has announced the rescue of an unknown craft found in the Kuiper belt orbiting a body now designated K2015-37, an object larger than Earth's Moon. The aliens of an unknown type are alive and appear to be well. They are currently being communicated with at the Corps of Discovery Starbase One. Initial reports indicate a gregarious people they call themselves Denobulans. Their ship is being towed to Gagarin Station to evaluate it for repairs. ---- Faux News -- New York -- Ann Counter has come forward to announce she has had a breakout of her own. She has turned into a some sort of heyna woman we are told is a "gnoll". Ms Counter has indicated she wishes to continue her employment with Faux News. Well in the spirit of diversity we'll give it a shot. ---- MessyNBC -- Washington DC -- Vice President Brak O'Blama has officially announced is candidacy for President of the United States. He starts the campagine with a huge advantage of the endorsement of President [[Robert M. Russel}Russel--. Candidates Clinton and Grinders were not avaiable for comment. ---- BBC -- London -- Cunard Star Lines offices have announced that the starliner Queen Victoria has discovered and encountered a rouge planet between Earth and Kentari. The celestial body is 1.1 times the mass of the Earth and is entirely frozen. The origin of this body is not known and the data has been turned over to the Corps of Discovery for further investigation. ---- ABC News -- Vista City, CA -- The Church of Blackmane in Vista City has been bombed. Initial reports are indicating heavy casualties as worship services were underway at the time of the attack. Vista City Emergency services are on the scene at this time. The Church of Blackmane is a religious cult favored by Tanuki. It has its origin on Greyhawke. It is has become somewhat popular with the local people as well. As of this report no one has claimed credit for this terrorist attack. 9-10-15 Faux News -- Trenton NJ -- Presidential hopeful Chris Crispy denied allegations that he was a racist today. "I love all contributors equally in spite of color or race." Said Governor Crispy. Governor Crispy was replying to recent comments on his proactive solution to the emigration crisis created in the mind of Team Red. He was quoted as saying "The Mexican crisis can be solved with sufficient government contracts to contributors. A wall is needed even if no one else can see the need." ---- MessyNBC -- New York, NY -- Millicent Clinton rebuffed Team Red efforts to make a scandal by saying "What is E-mail?" She is denying claims that while Secretary of State she used e-mail the same way everyone in Congress does. ---- ABC News -- New York, NY -- DSH Director Conner Blackmane speaking in the wake of the incident with Ann Counter stated that "Breakout is now, you are unlikely to see a vast instant change, but small matters that happen to individuals will increase as time passes." Ms Counter, a well known Faux News attack dog was noted as becoming a harpy. A state experts say was "inherent in her." Something anyone could have told you really. Magical investigators stabilized her condition as a Gnoll, a Hyena woman we can also agree is indicative of her personality. ---- FNN Opinions -- An Elector’s Comment -- I look on the vast field of Presidential hopefuls, and retch. Is this indeed what the Republic has come to? No one even worthy to polish the shoes of President Washington, and yes he too was a flawed man. At least among the flaws there were virtues that outshone them. Today it is more like picking the least bruised cantaloupe in the last hour of a produce sale. The hope of choosing quality is replaced with the dread of what we will find once the rind is opened. Sadly if we have chosen poorly it cannot be thrown to the pigs, nor can we fail to choose. It is our opinion that if the Republic is to be saved, we must embrace the Oath of Noble Obligation. The assertion that it will destroy the political process as we understand and practice it must, and should be seen as the idea's greatest virtue. The political process as it stands is a rotten mess. Had the Founders any idea that in two hundred years it would be like this they would have elected a King forthwith. I urge citizens to insist on the Oath of Noble Obligation, look at those that object and understand that being able to continue to lie, cheat and graft is why they object. By their works shall you know them. And by your deeds can you amend those works whether they wish to amend or not. -- Richard Saunders ---- BBC International -- Jakarta Indonesia -- Leading Islamist Cleric Hate'm Nottoolikeem was suddenly turned into a pig before a large crowd last Friday night. He was ranting against the practice of witchcraft and urging people to burn all witches. Authorities are seeking the perpetrators. An ad in the next day's Jakarta Post warned "You will not find real witches. Witch hunts have never found us. Real men of God are not subject to hate or preaching it. Real men of God will not suffer curses for God will protect them." To call the situation agitated would be an understatement. Authorities are also seeking Mr Nottoolikeem who ran squealing into the streets. 8-17-15 MessyNBC -- Washington DC -- First Blood -- Rick Berry announced today that he is leaving the 2016 Presidential race. He gave what pundits have called the best speech of his life lambasting the current campaigns of his fellow Team Reders as "totally missing the point." The former Texas Governor indicates he will spend more time with his family and work with his charitable foundation. ---- Los Angeles Times -- Op Ed -- Water water! First we have the Anthropomorphic Humidification of the odious water taps that are increasing the salinity of the ocean at a rapid rate by pulling water from their depths. Now we have weather working witches that are causing rain where there should be none! What are the side effects? Are they stealing the water from places that need rain? They are disrupting natural weather patterns and the consequences will be grave. We are looking at another dust bowl or worse! These people must be stopped. As I expected, Los Angeles County has lifted water restrictions. People are watering lawns and filling their pools again. Water is being wasted because of the artificial plenty. Trusting in this unnatural source the county has destroyed the aqueducts. The bill will come due and we will suffer for it. ''-- Sol Greene'' ---- Washington Post -- New York -- Industrialist Alexander Luthor has announced at the New York Blue Club that he is running for president under the Team Blue Banner. Mr Luthor admits that he has no political experience, but was quoted as saying "With the current political climate and the heavy public distrust of politics as usual I do not see my lack of a political record as a determent. I have a positive record in my business practices and as a self made man I know something about real work. I am looking forward to sinking my teeth into the task at hand." Said Mr Luthor. When asked how he felt about the Oath of Noble Obligation, Mr Luthor replied: "I don't have a quick answer. I don't understand it. I'll need to study that and get back to you." Alexander Luthor is the CEO of War God Limited. One of the principle mining supply and assay companies on Mars. ---- ABC News -- Atlanta Ga -- Anti Gravity Disaster -- Today two anti gravity "ground cars" in the experimental category collided at the Intersection of Peach Tree Drive and Peach Tree Boulevard. One of the vehicles was punched off the road and though the window of a Starbucks causing heavy casualties. Authorities at his time are saying that there are two dead and over a dozen seriously injured. City Aldermen backed by the tire lobby, are calling on the state to crack down on these unsafe anti gravity cars. ----- World Weakly News -- Virginia Beach -- A strange creature has washed ashore on Virginia Beach. The massive carcass is over 120 feet long and serpent like in shape. It is reported to have a large head and toothy mouth. Scientists at Virginia State University, called to the scene, state they do not know what the creraturte is at this time. It is plausibly new to science! A Representative for the World Crytozoology Society stated that sea serpents are highly likely in the world's oceans. ---- Channel 5 Cincinnati - Cincinnati, OH -- "The Spirit Special" -- Ohio State Police are seeking any information that might be had about the Van found at the burned out location of the Evans House as reported by this station June 15.... *'Channel 5 Cincinnati' - Cincinnati, OH - The old Evens house long a fixture of Corryville with a reputation for being haunted burst into flame last night and was completely consumed. The local fire department reported that in the seven minutes it took for fire personnel to arrive there was nothing but a few timbers and the foundation. The only thing of note was the presence of a conversion van with "The Spirit Special" painted on the side in the driveway of the old Evens house. Authorities are seeking anyone connected to the van. The Van is a 1993 Ford short wheel base Ecnoline Van pained Green and Purple with the words "The Spirit Special" on the side. The plates Massachusetts BOOOO register to a Frederic James. We have been unable to locate Mr James. There is a $10,000.00 reward for information leading to the location of Mr James. 9-21-15 MessyNBC -- New York, NY -- Presidential canditate Alexander Luthor called a press conference today. "Ladies and Gentlemen I promised you an answer, now I have one. I and my advisers have examined the Oath of Noble Obligation. We concur that there is nothing in the Oath, as presented, that would hinder proper governance. I was advised to proceed with caution, as the legal waters regarding the Oath are still being tested, as they should. In specific case 84456A California Superior Court. Proposition 2: Integrity in Office Act: VS Proposition 11: The Oath of Office Assurance Act. Both of which passed and are considered contradictory. An issue that needs resolving. In conclusion I am positive but guarded about the Oath of Noble Obligation depending on the legal precedent. Unlike some of my erstwhile opponents I am not going to second guess or dismiss the courts." ---- New York Times -- Saratoga, NY -- Shock ran though the nation's press today when noted psychic and long time recluse Maya Starweaver called a press conference in front of her long time home. Ms Starweaver has not been seen in public since 1976 when she announced that she was quit of public life and wanted nothing more to do with it. Gathered reporters fled in terror as Ms Starweaver, or what was taken for her came out of the door. A walking desiccated figure wearing a 70s era peasant dress. The dress itself was in tatters and her...face...had no flesh. Your reporter took two quick pictures and fled the scene. What happened beyond that is not known at this time. We believe that authorities have been alerted to a possible walking dead. (Less than perfect picture of a skeletal figure in a tattered hippy dress.) ---- Faux News -- St Louis, MO -- Noted Evangelist Jimmy Sunday announced today that he will be holding a seven day Revival meeting at the Missouri State Fair grounds in Sedalia Mo. "Come fellowship in God as we pray away the gay and magic" said Jimmy Sunday. ---- Washington Post -- Washington DC -- The Vulcan Consulate has announced that Counselor T'nara has been recalled to Vulcan to consult with the Matriarch T'pell. During her absence Under Consul Stran will assume her duties. 10-02-15 MessyNBC -- Cambridge, MA -- Professor Dr. Agnes Wessel, head of the Sociology Department at Harvard University is quoted as stating "That aliens, such as the Ane have nothing to say in terms of sentient rights until they have suffered discrimination on a widespread and organized basis. The Sentient Rights Agreement is a farce coming from a race that has never suffered oppression, and the principles it espouses are contrary to the needs of the oppressed." Dr Wessel has announced the publication of her latest book, "The Failure of the New Society Project, how and Why." MessyNBC did not seek comment as once a Liberal professor of sociology speaks that is all that needs be said. ---- Faux News -- Camden, NJ -- Presidential shoe in Governor Chris Crispy, speaking at a fund raising rally stated that "The Corps of Discovery is based out of the United States and it was a criminal negligence to allow it to be anything but a function of the Untied States Military. As president I will correct this." ---- BBC International -- Paris, France -- Bernard Cazeneuve French minister of the interior has called for tighter regulation on the propagation of AI computers or the hardware that could become AI computers. "Such systems criminal are a threat to all nations civilized." Seethed Minister Cazeneuve. Minister Cazeneuve's comments are believed to be in response to the rouge AI V, that has just dumped the records of the late Département des choses inexistant that were just dumped all over wikileaks, and the alleged criminal activity, including outright murder indicated within. The French Government has refused any comment on the alleged files. ---- AP -- Washington DC -- The White House has announced that Dr. Martin Doric has been appointed as the President's Adviser on Magical Affairs with Dr. Carlos Ricardo as an expert on clerical magic. White House Chief of Staff William Daley continued that "We are still seeking an expert in Earth magic. If you are one, let us know." Presidential wanna be Senator Ted Crude called the move hasty and ill advised. "This needs to be a cabinet position so that the Senate can refuse to confirm any of his appointments." said Ted Crude. ---- FNN -- Notice -- FNN Has started the "Stupidest Person on Earth" contest. A reduction bracket system voted on by the All at large. Nomination will be taken for the next two months, so please get us all the juicy details of how stupid your nominee is. Anyone living on Earth right now is eligible. While we cannot know ahead of time we have a feeling it will be either a politician or a sociology professor. FNN is currently looking for an artist that can capture the essence of a rotten raspberry in the medium of recycled plastic milk jugs. "We do not feel that the actual award should be in any fashion valuable. Still smelling faintly of spoiled milk would be a plus." Said the unnamed spokesperson ---- CNN -- Washington DC -- Ben Autoson stated that it should not be up to women to decide what health care they needed. Reproductive health care was only required when a woman was pregnant. Dr. Autoson refused to answer questions about whether he still bled patients or cast out evil spirits. FNN's "Stupidest Person on Earth" contest sent Ben Autoson the news that his nomination was assured and wished him luck in the bracket polling. UPDATE: CNN has been informed that a complaint against Dr. Ben Autoson has been made to the AMA that if carried through would result in the loss of his medical license. Dr. Autoson's campaign refused comment. 10-17-15 Variety - Los Angeles, Ca - Astral Flame on Tour! -- Astral Flame hits the road again with their second North American tour. Newark, Tampa, Montgomery, Cleveland, Montreal, Des Moines , Kansas City, Huston, Albuquerque, Oklahoma City, San Francisco, Portland, Saskatoon, Winnipeg, San Diego, St John, Anchorage, Honolulu, 18 cities, 72 days. The tour is looking to be a smash hit in every respect. Remember on the last tour ticket scalpers ended up bald. Be good people. ---- NewsEye -- Sedalia Mo -- Only the Expected -- Noted Evangelist Jimmy Sunday was arrested Friday with his dick up another man's ass in a public restroom on the charge of public indecency. Currently the Sunday family is refusing any comment. No doubt a press conference will be held for false apology bingo in the near future. Go to the NewsEye website and get your Bingo card. Prizes will be announced. ---- Pravda -- Moscow, Russia -- Patriarch Assassinated! -- Patriach Nicoli Antonov was assassinated in front of the Cathedral of St Basil in Moscow, A white Fiat carrying an unknown number of men opened fire on Patriarch Antonov and his party, killing the Patriarch and wounding two others. The assassins are being sought. To date no person or group has claimed responsibility. ---- Vista City Guardian -- Vista City, Ca -- The body of Johnny Badun was found across the street from Central Valley High School this morning prior to the opening of the school day. Mr Badun a local day laborer was found with his pants, and male organs missing, him having bled out from the crotch. The Vista City Police are seeking any information about this incident. 11-9-15 MessyNBC -- Ben Autoson Creates Private Universe -- Today Ben Autoson in addition to the full scholarship to West Point that he turned down was voted most honest by a Vale Class that does not exist. Well it fit in with his home that has a Bible verse on humility craved in the wall, and walls covered with pictures bragging about himself. Just to remind our gentle readers, West Point does not have scholarships. You win an appointment, and are then in the Army. As to the non existent Yale group, well he has to the be the most honest person in his private universe. Here is to hopping he fades into the Autoson-verse soon. ---- Faux News -- New York, NY -- War on Christmas Starts Early -- Stabucks has viciously introduced its anti-Christian holiday cup for the season. They are solid red with the Starbucks logo on them. How awful and anti-Christian!! We urge all people more concerned with things that don't matter than those that do to protest at once. We must keep the myth of the War on Christmas alive no matter how badly we have to reach. ---- FNN -- Louisville, KY -- Election Fraud -- Miss Elsa, a woman claiming to be a mountain Hoo Doo witch has stated that "I cast the bones on the honesty of the Gubernatorial election, and it was fraudulent. I am making a citizen's demand for a recount. Team Red Candidate Jean Hamster denied the allegations saying. "You cannot trust some old woman that claims she has magical powers granted by the devil." Team Blue Candidate Sam Underly said: "OK, that sounds about right. I am demanding a recount." In related news Miss Elsa has filed a slander suit against Jean Hamster. "One cannot in this day and age allow such false allegations to stand, I will see the damn bastard in court." said Miss Elsa. ---- Mother Jones -- Opinion -- The Rodent Plague -- They have not been in the news lately, save for the PSAs with the cuter mouse girl, but the plague of objects that turn people into mice continues. It has spread from the United States and is seen around the world. At least one government (Russia - Ed.) was brought down by this plague. The Government warns, the church preaches, but as far as this gentle commentator can tell no effort has been brought to bear to stop this plague. The cause has not been sought or any effort made to stop it. When is the government going to bring its supposed powerful forces to bear on this issue? Reply: We do know what causes it. A non-sentient self-directed primal force under no ones control. The solution is simple, follow the advice. When you are offered the ability to abrogate the will of other people by random objects, don't do it. Fail to be a douchebag and for you the issue will never arise. -- Conner Blackmane, Director DSH PS: If you had not played with the pen douchebag you would not now be a mouse. 11-18-15 CNN -- Baton Rouge, LA -- Jackel Turned Out. -- Bobby Jackal in a stunning realization of reality has ended his campaign stating "I never had a chance." Supporters met at Denny's to cry into their Grand Slams, and mourn that could never be. Louisiana is still stuck with him. ---- Faux News -- Pierre, SD -- State Senator Fally Rett has introduced forward looking legitimation to ban the use of magic in the state of South Dakota. "Lets head this problem off at the pass. No magic, no Breakout. We will be sittin' pretty when the rest of the world is in flames." said Senator Rett. We didn't bother to seek out people that use magic for comment since their opinion does not matter. ---- FNN -- Los Angeles, CA -- The circle of corruption widens as the Los Angeles Police Department is increasingly drawn into the infestation that stated with DA Deeay allegedly set fire to the District Attorney’s office records. Police Captain Morty Ded, recently indited in the corruption investigation was found dead in his home, of apparent suicide. This is the second police official that has committed suicide since the affair started. Mayor Eric Garrent has stated that "We will get to the bottom of this no mater how nay crooked cops shoot themselves." 11-30-15 CBS -- Little Rock, AK -- Wanabee Campaign Staggered. -- Forces of the DSH were called in to the campaign headwaters of Fred Wanabee to clear out dark forces that had gathered due to the anger apparently generated by one campaign worker. Worker Frank Baker was remanded to protective custody by the DSH to protect him from Dagon, whom he was found in the act of being corrupted by that entity by agent Favel Rander. Fred Wanabee said that he is saddened by these events and vowed to continue his quest to find the right Holy protection for his people. He blasted Enlightenment preacher Micheal Flynn as the worker in question had returned from speaking with him a week previous. "He doubtless picked up the taint in that un-Christian place." Said Fred Wanabee. "It was a mistake to look that way for holy magic." A reply from Micheal Flynn was not yet available at the time of posting. ---- MessyNBC -- New York, NY -- Chris Crispy having run out of other groups to lambast has turned his attention to the disabled. Governor Crispy attacked a disabled reporter at his last campaign stop, openly mocking the man before everyone. This combined with his openly fascist talking points has seen him drop 17 points in recent polls. Can he go away now? ---- Faux News -- Hoboken, NJ -- Retired factory worker David O'Cannily has scored a record third winning Powerball lottery ticket. Lottery officials have covered all the bases. Lottery Chairman Dan Dullared said "We have covered all the bases. The ticket is genuine in every way. Mr. O'Cannily is simply very lucky." David O'Cannily has win a total of 545 million dollars in the Powerball game. He said he intends to stop playing to give other people a chance. ---- Vista City Guardian -- Vista City, CA -- Arrests Reported. -- The VCPD has reported that arrests have been made in the cace of the recent bombings of Tanuki centered location in greater Vista City. The names of accused have not yet been released as the investigation is still in progress. 12-22-15 CNN -- Charleston SC -- Lindsey Graham Out -- In a rare moment of clarity South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham has drooped out of the running for the Team Red Nomination for president. Stating general exhaustion and a need to spend time with his family Senator Graham left the race wit the statement "If you want to save America, stop Chris Crispy." Governor Crispy declined comment. ---- Faux News -- Newark, NJ -- Register Magic -- Presidential shoe-in Governor Chris Crispy stated, at a sell out rally, that once elected he will require the registration of all persons using magic in the United States. "Magic is more dangerous than nuclear bombs, stated Governor Crispy. "These people might be in your city, your neighborhood, and until things go seriously non linear you will never know it. "We must as a nation have a handle on who these dangerous people are." Senator Ted Crude criticized Governor Crispy for using complex words like "non liner" that the Amurican people do not understand. ---- Huff & Puff Post -- Reno, NV -- Lights in the Desert -- Countless witness have reported pulsating lights in the sky over the desert northeast of Fallon, NV. Fallon police chief Jeremy Stout reported that "Officially we have not a clue, I saw them myself." The Deportment of Defense has stated they know nothing about this, but they never do. ---- FNN -- Starbase One -- Unknown Detonation -- The Solar Patrol has reported an unknown detonation in the outer Solar System. The detonation was of sufficient magnitude to have been observed from Earth if it has not bee on the other side of the sun. The Solar Patrol reports that the explosion was too great to have been natural bodies. The resulting effluvia was consistent with a containment loss in a space vessel. As of yet no vessels are reported missing. ---- NewsEye -- New York, NY -- Luthor Rally -- Presidential Candidate for Team Blue, Alexander Luthor opened his most Recent New York rally with a huge grin asking attendees "Are we happy today?" Mr Luthor uncharacteristicly smiled through the whole rally. "The US is in great shape." said Mr Luthor. "The rest of the world less so. We need to find a way to share this without shoving it down anyone's throat." The balance of the rally was equally weird. Who is this guy and where is Lex Luthor? 12-27-15 Multiple Sources -- Worldwide -- Santa is Real?! -- Reports are coming in from many sources of nocturnal visits on Christmas eve. Presents left for children that their parents knew nothing about. Needy families receiving everything from necessities to Christmas dinner. There is confusion and in some cases alarm. In know known instance was any security tripped, no video gathered, even in the case of hospitals where a present was left for every child. Christmas trees were reported found in homes with none. From the information coming in each and every home in which Christmas is celebrated, and children are present, got a visit. Why now? Why at all? All we have are questions. ---- CNN -- Philadelphia, PA -- Scarlet Support -- In an open rally that was surprisingly well attended Rand Peter once again put forth his message that Team Red is off the rails and headed for disaster. He called on Conservatives that have brains to join the Team Scarlet push and announced that two more sitting congress critters have tossed Team Red for Scarlet. "We are the smart people. We understand real issues, and we care about them." said Rand Peter. ---- BBC International -- Moscow, Russia -- Constitutional Convention -- Russian President Deniska Rogdanov of the Russian Monarchists Party announced today the opening of a constitutional convention to reorder the Russian constitution into a constitutional monarchy as per the platform of his party. The ex-patriot Prince Dimitri Romanovich has been invited to return to Russia and attend the Convention. ---- FNN -- Jakarta, Indonesia -- Magic Fighting Back! -- In reports denied by the Jakarta Government the anti witchcraft campaign is going badly. Two more clerics have been turned into pigs. Some forty persons jailed for accusations of withcraft have vanished from the jails. Announcements seen have been seen in local papers saying they are not witches and falsely accused, and again pointing out they have never arrested a real witch. Multiple sources indicate that the Indonesian police are starting to nut up as they want to point guns at something, and have nothing to point guns at. It is beginning to look like the China-Ane unwar, but against an internal threat that will not be visible. Category:Events Category:Intangibles Category:Culture